The Love Files No.9 // It takes two to Tango

Relationships are something intimate and private, a thing between 2 people. But there are people who like to interfere and who do not respect the intimacy and privacy between two people and their relationship. Lots of drama is created that way, many relationships end because of that. We have all been there, we all know it, songs and movies are full of this. It is an ugly but not a new concept.

I have my fair share of experiences with this issue. And I can tell you, it is nothing you ever want to experience, it causes tremendous pain. So I had this boyfriend since 2015, we were really happy together until 2017 when some random woman from his choir decided to interfere, to hit on him and to make him believe that everything will be better when he leaves me for her. And what did he do? He bought into it, after just spending one weekend with her and other people at some choir event, he was all in for it thinking he will be missing out if he is not taking this opportunity. Needless to say that the woman called S only wanted an ego boost that she got through future faking, there was no real interest from her side I’d say and as soon as she got her ego boost it was time to say good bye to him. He overestimated his interest and built an air castle based on illusions, a superficial crush with a person he barely knows. Things went exactly how I expected them to happen. After only two weeks S dumped him and that short intermezzo, that he expected to become the love of his lifetime, ended. It was over as quickly as it started. And for that kind of adventure he ended a relationship that was based on mutual trust, love, respect, support and a shared life together.

After his short intermezzo we started seeing each other again, but this time it was not labeled an official relationship. He had all the benefits of a relationship without the pressure that he felt before, since as things further developed I insisted on looking for a new apartment for us to move together and also to get married someday. He is a commitment phobe, so needless to say that the more pressure was felt, the sooner he tried to get away from it, like with his little choir mistress S (let’s call her S1). I did not care about us not being officially together. The rest of 2017 I was emotionally very distant, also in 2018 - mainly because S1 continued trying to interfere again and again. But in 2019 it was getting closer again between us, it was more intense and felt pretty much like before the S1 intermezzo in 2017. I assume it was too close for him once again, love is something he cannot handle, so he left me for another woman sharing the same name with the first one.

I said to him many times you know exactly what I expect and either you are willing to give me that or you will lose me one day to someone who is willing to give me that. Of course he did not like that but do you think he changed anything? No, of course not. Basically besides the missing official relationship label it still was quite a relationship, we spent lots of time together, we spent many nights together, we were always there for each other and I knew he’d always support me and be there for me, helping me and doing everything to comfort me. I thought fine, I don’t need an official label if we are happy and things work out well between us.

Fast forward to July 2019. He attended a swing dance workshop in Sweden with two other female friends (they went there last year together as well) and another woman sharing the same name S and obviously also the same shabby character traits as S1 e from last year. So he and S number two (let’s call her S2) had know each other for about 1.5 years, he was never interested in her and apparently she wasn’t either. Well, until they finished the workshop and arrived in Stockholm where they spent 3 days together with the other women from the workshop who were also at the workshop with him last year. Here my now ex and S2 shared a hotel room and after a while they also shared a bed together, holding hands during the flight back home and all that jazz. When he dropped the bomb on me Wednesday night, I asked who initiated their fling. It was her. Surprise surprise surprise, same pattern like two years ago with S1. So 3 days of flirting makes certain people throw away everything that existed before for a person they barely know and a love air castle based on illusions and overestimation of the situation and person.

Yes, he is the one to blame since he can*t resist any women flirting with him and future faking (thanks NML for introducing me to this term). But also women who clearly know that a man has already someone in his life and still do everything to make sure he leaves the other person behind to be with them, sorry this is just a real no-brainer. It takes two to tango, one who starts hitting onto the other and the other one believing it and buying into the illusion. I don’t understand those people who do not respect the privacy and intimacy in existing relationships, who don’t give a fuck about other people’s feelings and put their nose into things they were never supposed to be part of.

I can’t believe he did the same thing twice and this time there is no point of return. He lost me for good but apparently all he wants now is S2 and he is perfectly fine with that. He is behaving like a hormone driven immature 15 year old (once again) and not like a grown man in his 40ies. I think he has not realised what he has lost now and that what we had is now gone for good. It’s crazy to leave someone for a person you barely know and for an illusion. It makes no sense at all, it is just utterly nuts.

As much as it hurts, but now I accept that we are apparently not meant to be together. As much as I love him and as much I cannot imagine to love anyone else that much. So I wasted 4 years with a commitment phobe to be abandoned for random women he barely knows and their ego-driven illusions twice, every time it following the same pattern. This is just fucking sick. He is just fucking sick in his head. Those women are just fucking sick.

Well, in Spanish there is a saying that things that start badly will end badly. This is exactly how it was with S1 and I sure it won’t be any different with S2.