The Wellness Edition No.72 // Removing the blocks

My weekend unfortunately was not as good as I had planned. The weather was great and I planned to grill on my balcony and to soak up some sunshine in the park nearby but unfortunately I was not feeling well, I had no appetite either - so I just stayed at home and did not really do much except for trying to get back on my feet again.

Let’s talk about inner blocks today - I think more or less most of us have inner blocks that prevent us from doing what our hearts actually really desire or to make it even worse let us engage into self-sabotaging or self-harming behaviour. Inner blocks, I have been thinking about this a lot this weekend - especially since I follow the teachings of Gabby Bernstein and Marianne Williamson, they both teach from the metaphysical text ‘A Course in Miracles’ and the biggest aim of the course is to remove all the inner blocks from my understanding. This book is on my agenda of books to read as well since I find this concept of removing all the inner blocks super interesting.

I am no expert on this topic by no means yet but I am slowly reading myself into it. I just realise over and over again how the situation occurs that I keep on to holding myself back from many things I actually want to do, how I want to live because I keep on procrastinating instead of just making things happen - and then of course I get angry about myself but on the other hand this is not helping either. Instead it is more helpful to ask yourself what is actually holding you back so that these inner blocks of resistance can manifest. And most commonly the answer will be fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of leaving your comfort zone…and so on.

I feel that I still struggle a lot with inner resistance that keeps on blocking me and holding me back from doing what I actually want to do. I know that I am creative and that I have skills that I should not let go of but for some reason there is very often something inside of me holding me back. Sometimes I do well, I let go of it and move forward, make little steps but then all of the sudden the activity stops and I fall back into the trap of resistance and inner blocks which all prevent that I am creating the life I really want to live.

Of course it got a lot better already in the past few years but still I often struggle. I think very often it is factors from outside that let me fall back into old patterns that clearly don’t serve me - like when someone else treats me bad or an event takes place that just feels utterly unfair to me. Those are the triggers for me to activate my inner blocks and resistance over and over again. And here the problems lies within in me because how I react to something is my own choice, maybe not one I consciously take, but instead of subconsciously falling into old patterns that don’t serve me, I should call out what upsets me and that react to it accordingly but on a conscious level.

I had the idea to move back to Spain for a long time, but still there is something holding me back, and I am not quite sure what it is because currently I don’t do much to make this happen. Ok I admit, in the midst of this whole Corona crisis it is very hard to imagine moving abroad anyways, so maybe this is also one factor that is blocking me. But I think it is more than that. I will only move abroad again if I am financially independent and I don’t have to find a job there.

My goal is to develop digital design resources, digital products, so that I can basically work from anywhere as long as I have internet and my work tools. But so far I struggle with getting started, I don’t know why this is the case for being honest, I have so many ideas of things I want to create but for some reason I just can’t get started lately. Is it fear of change, fear of not being good enough, fear of success, fear of leaving my comfort zone…I don’t know. Fact just is that I am reluctant for a reason that I have not figured out yet. One truth is for sure that I like the job I am working in, I love the apartment I live in and I am happy about my friends and family here - even though I am not a fan of living in Germany, I don’t like how this country became in the past few years and it does not feel anymore like the country I grew up in, those a certainly reasons why I want to leave at a certain point. I have to admit, I feel very ambivalent when it comes to that. When I moved back to Germany I knew this would be temporary, that I did not want to stay, because I had my reasons to leave at the first place. I suppose I am now a little bit stuck in my comfort bubble here of having a nice apartment, a job I like, friends here even though I think that life still has a lot more and better things to offer despite the fact that I am happy and proud of how far I have come already and how good things turned out for me.

I have not figured out yet how to remove the inner blocks but here I am trying to do so. I guess one first important thing is to see them, to accept them and then to find a tactic to letting go of them. I also think inner blocks will manifest over and over again in different forms until you finally make it to remove them. They must be part of life’s lessons until we finally learn what they are supposed to teach us. I feel I have already removed many patterns that did not serve me but there are still many more to work on because this thing just never stops. You let go of one thing and a new one will pop up until you removed it as well.

Very often I feel that those inner blocks let me lose my vision of life not just in a metaphorical way, things got blurry for me in front of my eyes and brain and I can only remove this blur when I get clear about what I really want and then remove the inner blocks and resistance step by step, one after another. Facing your core desires and fears certainly is not easy, so no wonder so many people are stuck in a life that actually does not bring them joy or even worse it often brings them pain, but to actively decide to make big changes and to work on shifting your mindset is often scary, overwhelming and requires lots of courage and the fear of the unknown is a thing many people cannot deal with at all so they’d rather stay in their bubble of the known and discomfort.

Inner resistance and the inner blocks are a big issue for me and that is something I realised this weekend. Suffering from PMS and being hyper sensitive of course did not help but at least it made me aware of my inner blocks and resistance probably because I felt a deep pain inside of me of how it prevents me from achieving my goals. Oh don’t get me started on PMS, it was so bad this weekend that almost every comment from someone, that I did not like , made me feel so bad that I was about to cry immediately. Things that normally would not make me think I any further, almost gave me a nervous breakdown, so no wonder that the topic of inner resistance and inner blocks kind of hit me in the face this weekend. I felt an urge inside of me to clear my soul of everything bad that ever happened, I saw situations flashing in my brain where I felt that I did not behave appropriate or even bad for my standards (I think often the standards of what I expect from myself are extremely high and often hard to achieve) and I just felt utterly unworthy - which is a form of inner resistance and inner blocks as well when you don’t acknowledge your worth and don’t see yourself in a light of love and respect - so I can really say that the past few days were somewhat tough for me because i was just way too hard on myself. Hormones were out of whack and that was a consequence from that. But let’s be real, if someone treats you like shit, it says a lot more about this person than about you, I only got so triggered by it this weekend because of my hormones I suppose. Attacking me just because I dare to say something the other person does not like, is their poor reaction that has nothing to do with me.

As much as I currently clean my home and take really good care of it, there is a strong urge to do the same thing for my soul. Who knows, maybe outer cleaning also brings inner cleaning which is probably the case because there is a strong correlation of how our home looks towards to how we feel about ourselves and how well we take care of our emotional wellbeing.

So I think this week I should put the focus on taking really good care of myself, to stay away from toxic people that trigger the feeling of unworthiness in me and to figure out how to get over the resistance and how to remove those inner blocks. It feels a bit like a monster task for being honest but gaining clarity really helps here. As soon as clarity is found inner blocks and resistance won’t be obstacles anymore that leave you living in a blurry world - and I realised lately how blurry my vision of life, life’s outcomes and my vision in general is. But I am sure it will get clear again through removing the blocks so this is my task for now in order to move on and to become a better and happier version of myself.

Lots of love,

Phyllis