a heartbreak, an escape to barcelona and a break in general
First of all I am very sorry for having completely disappeared here but I was going through a major heartbreak, that came totally unexpected, and it just left me numb...being unable to sleep, eat, work...well you get what I mean, right? I will work on another blog post explaining what happened sometime soon but for now I just want to share a few photos with you from Barcelona.
I could not stay at home, I felt like I was going to lose my mind, so I booked a flight and two days later was on my way to BCN. In the end I was not doing much there either due to my current condition. I had horrible panic attacks, still could not eat and sleep, so basically I spent most of the time indoors at my friend's place just trying to calm down again. Last Sunday I was meeting up with a friend to have lunch in one of my favourite tapas bars in Barceloneta. Unfortunately after almost one month of barely eating I was so drained that the heat, noise, stress and the lacking calories almost let me down, I was about to faint, it was a nurse from Madrid (who was visiting her daughter who lives in BCN and by chance they had lunch at Jaica's as well) who ended up preventing it somehow just through asking me questions non-stop, putting coke into my mouth and in the end it worked out and I did not lose my consciousness but it was a real struggle. Then the ambulance came to look after me and everything was okay. It was just all a major shock for me. That was like a turning point when I realised that I have to get back on my feet again, that even if I don't feel like eating at all I have to force myself because I cannot afford to lose any weight since i lost so much weight already and I was already slim at the first place. Even though it was a horrible experience, it took lots of tension out of my body it seems and I am able to digest food again, slowly trying to eat more and more every day. Autoimmune symptoms were horrible as well and absolutely impossible to ignore, my whole body was in pain and I had no energy.
I also noticed a big change in Barcelona. The city is packed with tourists even more than it was whenever I moved back to Germany. Before there was a very laid-back atmosphere but I did not feel this anymore. Maybe it is also the fact that I have changed and BCN is just not anymore the right fit for me but my friends who still live there and other people who have lived there for a while also came to same conclusion, that the city has changed tremendously and that it does not feel anymore as good as before to be there. More people consider leaving because the mass tourism is just destroying so much of the spirit that we all loved so much before.
Anyways, it was good that I escaped for a few days. I am slowly getting back on my feet again. But I know it will take sometime. Heartbreaks are awful and you have to let go of the pain and grief in order to recover. I will focus on myself, on reaching my goals, on finding clients and on becoming the happy person again that I was in the past few months ever since I started my freelance journey. It was just a major shock and I still can't believe that it could knock me out the way it did.
The last photo is one of me and my friend Ejlaa, who was working with me in BCN when I still lived there and became a dear friend. Well, she spontaneously decided to fly to Munich to see her family the day that I flew back to Frankfurt. So we went to the airport together, spent some time hanging out at the gate while waiting for our flights.
I realized I could not live in BCN anymore and maybe that was also important since moving back had been on my mind for quite a while which I then completely crossed off so I could stay together with my now ex-boyfriend. But anyways, even though this relationship is now over, I still feel that I made Germany my home for now and that the Barcelona time is just over for me because it is just not the right fit anymore for me.
So now you know why I completely disappeared and that my past few weeks were just a horrible mess that I am currently trying to sort out. More blog posts on design, wellbeing, relationships will follow again from now on. I just need a little more time to recover and to get my physical and emotional health back. But I am happy to say that I am back!