The Love Files No.21 // The new supply
I have not written a TLF post in a very long time I just realised. Oh well, time to write one today. So I am writing this on Sunday but scheduled for another day since I already published a post this morning.
Ok, so let’s get to today’s topic ‘The New Supply’. When you are with a narcissist, a common thing they do is to already line up their new supply while they are still with you. This happened to me twice with my ex-boyfriend and unfortunately I am experiencing the same thing again right now with the guy I had been seeing the whole year since last December. Funnily we met for the first time exactly one year ago, shortly before Christmas, after we met online on a dating platform. He came to my city after we were in touch about 4 weeks and then this whole thing started. I say funnily because that is exactly what is happening right now with his new victim, they ‘met’ in an Islamic Facebook group and today she comes to Darmstadt to spend the next two weeks with him. Well, that is pretty much how our thing also began last December. You see the irony?
I planned to cook a Persian lamb stew for one of the Christmas days and I also invited his friend to join us, needless to say this ain’t gonna happen now. Instead he can spend the next two weeks with his new supply while I mind my own business and focus on myself. It is the perfect timing now to go no-contact and to get rid of another narcissist draining my energy. Oh, he said we could marry right away and then he would tell his new supply that she should not come. Nice try but no, certainly a big no-no.
Oh and he said no contact while she’s here but of course this doesn’t mean we are over, he only doesn’t want to seem like a douche bag to her if he’s in contact with me. I said that’s it if she comes, we are over for good. Abort the mission! Having a random stranger staying with him but insisting on us still being together despite this no-brainer. Seriously, I’m not making this up!
That is another thing with narcissistic people, they don’t respect your boundaries at all even though they are the kind of folks who need boundaries most. In a a way I am angry about myself because I got involved with a narcissist once again but I guess I should just see it as a learning experience, that I still have to learn how to stay away from those toxic people as soon as I see all the big red flags. And believe me, here in this case, the red flags have been huge!
Where to start; I think he is quite a fundamental islamist who has a mindset that is not compatible with living in a society that is based on democracy, equal rights for women and men, humanism and personal freedom. He even once threatened me to cut my throat if I dare to criticise his religion and his standards. Huh, major red flag here, right?! Oh and the permanent pressure of trying to convince me to convert to some Abrahamic religion - that ain’t my thing either and if someone does not respect that religion ain’t my thing, then it certainly is another red flag.
The thing that upset me the most was that this whole lining-up-new-supply reminds me so much of what my ex-boyfriend did to me twice and it was a super painful experience. So now since his new supply is on her way to town today, I now know for sure that someone who intentionally hurts and humiliates ain’t the perfect match. Sure, I knew it before, but I am only human and as humans we always have some kind of hope, that the other person will realise how wrong his behaviour actually is and starts changing it. But no, as experience shows, this is very unlikely to happen. People will only change if they want to change. Otherwise they won’t, especially if they get what they want anyways, so then they clearly don’t see any reason to change since things are going their way anyways.
Lining up the new victim, trying to convert you into a religion, constantly humiliating you or praising you (hello extremes, here we go - and it might also indicate some borderline tendencies I think), not respecting your boundaries, intentionally hurting you! Nope, those are not the things we want in our significant other, right?! So if you notice any of those red flags, I’d say it is time to run as fast as you can! And the first big red flag I ignored here was that dealing with religious fundamentalists or also fundamentalists of any other kind is a real no-brainer! Those people are stuck in their little narrow mindset and it is more than evident that their view on the world and my view of the world collide. They are so brainwashed and indoctrinated, it is totally useless to even discuss things with them because apparently the brainwashing, manipulating and indoctrinating worked out perfectly fine and they are not open to see the flaws of their perspective and that critical and free thinking is actually a win and not a fail. So I gave up because it is a waste of time and energy to have that kind of conversation with extremists.
My conclusion at this point is that I am sick of dating and I am not even going to try to find somebody new now. Too much stress and the payoff is not worth it. Staying single is probably the best thing for inner peace because at least no one is pissing you off or disrespecting you and your boundaries.
