The Love Files No.25 // What I learned about love
Lately this crossed my mind. What have I actually learned about such a big topic like love? I will be turning 39 years old in a few days and I suppose my love life unfolded different than I imagined. But for being honest, have I even imagined something specific? No, I was never one of the women who said from high school on getting married and having a family is my biggest goal. For some reason this had not been on my agenda. Also I have never been the kind of person to say ‘getting married and having children, no fucking way’. I guess I am just somewhere in the middle. Not aiming for it but in case it happened, it would also be fine.
So, I try to write a list of things I have learned about love
love often is a painful experience. Even though now I have learned that it apparently should not be painful. That there is something deeply wrong once love turns into pain
we often try to compensate what went wrong with the relationship with our parents through ending up with partners who are very similar to a parent
having an abusive / extremely jealous / controlling partner is NOT normal. It is a big red flag that should make you run away as fast as you can
different guy but same package is a common thing - same toxic traits as the boyfriend before or as a parent
a healthy relationship is based on mutual care, trust, respect, sharing the same values and morals. It does not matter if you share the same interests because as an example playing golf together or loving to cook together isn’t the fundament of a healthy relationship
it is better to get to know someone better before getting physically involved with him because those damn hormones will blind you otherwise
strong chemistry might be great for a fling but it certainly is not the fundament for a relationship that is based on sharing the same values, because let’s face it - sex has nothing to do with that. you can have the best sex ever with someone while he is completely incompatible with you
different cultural / religious backgrounds can be a huge problem. sure, it can work out chances are high that it will be very complicated though or a total disaster for example when getting involved with a guy who thinks a woman’s only tasks are cooking and cleaning while you are a woman who grew up knowing she has equal rights as men, lives her life to her own terms. you see, can be a bit of a cultural clash here then
affairs are painful and a total waste of time. being the other woman just is not a nice feeling, it is humiliating.
big age difference, not optimal either
long-distance-relationships are a total disaster. and here I talk about real LDR with an ocean between. nope, not recommended!
you gotta love yourself first in order to be able to be in a loving and fulfilling relationship
you can’t save someone and it is also not your job in a relationship to be a ‘saviour’. people can only save themselves and that also only works if they want to work on themselves and better themselves
online-dating is a total shit-show IMHO
it’s pretty impossible to find someone who is willing to commit to something serious when you aren’t willing to commit either. two emotionally unavailable people don’t make a perfect match!
walking out of a toxic relationship can be incredibly hard, even though you know how bad it is for you.
breakups should be final, instead of ending in on-and-off relationships. this is total nonsense as well
it’s better to be single than being with someone who makes you unhappy
staying away from extremists of all sorts
