The Wellness Edition No.61 // Getting Better

Now after two months I am slowly getting better. I am honest here, this second breakup was even worse than the first one two years ago, even though I thought this would be impossible to to top but here we see it was. After I completely broke down last week I feel that I am slowly getting back on my feet again. But it takes time and patience and learning not to be too hard on myself.

So I did what we women do after a breakup; I decluttered and cleaned my apartment, I spent a shitload of money on new clothes and books, started a fling with a man and I dived straight into work. All of these things certainly help and I thankfully start feeling creative and a little more ‘normal’ again. I still have days when things go wrong and I just feel like I am going batshit crazy but thankfully those days are getting less and less.

I realised this week that one thing that helps me tremendously to calm down and to improve my mood is to walk at least 9000 steps outside, being in nature and away from home and just walking does the trick for me lately. Then I feel that my anxiety is fading and I start to relax and my mood gets better. So from now on I try incorporating lang walks outside every day whenever it is possible. Movement is so important for health in general. The worst you can do is sitting at a desk all day or spending the whole day in bed (even though I love doing that but it ain’t good for my emotional wellbeing). The more I walk, the more fresh air I get, the better I feel. Walking in nature is my rehab! And hey, it is a healthy rehab. When I walk outside, I sleep better, when I sleep better my appetite is better. So it is all connected and leads to being better in general.

Through this breakup I realised that my ex held me back from many things that I have to do for myself in order to be well and to take good care of myself. Also he was not a good supporter of all my creative projects, not at all, he supported me in doing free work for this idiot in Austria while a healthy support would have been to say ‘hey, don’t work for free ever. Your work is great and absolutely worth paying for.’ But no, I feel like he tried keeping me and my goals small…always. Probably because he does not have any goals and just lives day by day in a meaningless way. But that is not how I roll so we are apparently incompatible. That is what happens when you get soaked into a relationship with a covert narcissist. You lose yourself, they drain your energy and you revive childhood trauma. But this time I am strong enough to move on and to create the best version of my life and myself.

I had so many signs leading me to Spain again and I would have stayed in Germany because of him even though I don’t want to stay here. So I tried ignoring all of the signs but now I take them serious and follow them. Friday night I fly to Barcelona for the weekend and I am super excited to go back to that place that feels so much like home to me and that I might call home again in the near future but this time under much better circumstances than the last time when I lived there.

Probably the saying holds lots of truth that “things have to fall apart so better things can fall together”. He kept me being stuck here, not able to move on because he has been stuck forever it seems. But now I put the focus back on myself and I won’t stop until I have created the life that I want to live. I will never give anyone so much power over my life anymore because it is a form of people pleasing, something that is very toxic and that I have to unlearn. Being a people pleaser will always keep you small, stuck and miserable and that is not what we want from life, right. So I guess the saying ‘chase dreams and not people’ also holds lots of truth because it translates into focus on yourself, your goals and your dreams and don’t let anyone hold you back from doing it.

So, I am happy to say that I am on a good way, that I am slowly getting better. This year I got rid of so many toxic people like never before. It does not hurt with the ones who I used to call my friends but with the one who I thought to be my partner for life, that still hurts but also here the pain gets less and less and turns more into indifference. I don’t even feel hate for him, all I feel is that he is pathetic and that I despise him, the feeling of love is certainly gone for good. I sleep better again, my appetite is slowly coming back again. I am back to eating breakfast and at this point I can eat more things now than just toast and chicken soup. When I walk a lot outside I can better manage my anxiety and panic which is a big plus. I have always lived with panic and anxiety due to my thyroid autoimmune condition but it got a a lot worse in the past few years so everything that helps me to cope better with it is a big factor to improve my life.

Once I am completely back on my feet I will do everything to finally open my shop, to establish myself as a design online-shop owner and then once things are going well and I am financially sound I will move to Spain again. It is true, self-care is really how you take your power back. I often suck at self-care and self-love, therefore I made it one of my main blog topics, because it is something I have to work on on a daily basis and I know that many others who experienced lots of trauma also struggle here so my goal is improve myself and to empower others to do the same thing for themselves.