The Wellness Edition No. 66 // No More People Pleasing

So, what exactly is people pleasing you might ask yourself in case you are not familiar with this term. People pleasing means that you put the needs of others above your own needs, you don’t set healthy boundaries and basically you fall into behavioural patterns where you act according to the wishes and desires of other people but not to your own needs. And that is a big problem. I have always been a people pleaser and this Summer when shit really hit the fan I finally realised what has been going on and what an unhealthy pattern people pleasing really is. Constantly not setting boundaries with others and overstepping your own ones leads to unhappiness and frustration. Believe me, I certainly know what I am talking about.

If you are constantly a people pleaser you never do what actually is good for you or what you really want because you are so busy catering to the needs of others. Through people pleasing you will end up in toxic relationship and friendships and people will take advantage of you all the time. You will do often things you don’t feel like doing just because you don’t want to hurt anyones feelings while you actually hurt your own feelings. People pleasing can be small things like saying yes to going somewhere or with someone when you actually don’t feel like doing it but it can also be major things like going on a vacation with someone even though deep in your heart you feel that it is not what you truly want or ending up having sex with someone even though this is also not what you really want and the one who will be suffering in the end is you just because you do everything to avoid hurting someone else just through saying no even though this is your right and what you should be doing. There is nothing bad about saying no, in contrary it is very healthy and it lets you set healthy boundaries to protect yourself.

People pleasing will wreck havoc on your emotional and possibly even on your physical wellbeing so it is super important to stop being a constant people pleaser. Unlearning the patterns of people pleasing is tough, I know, but it is essential to learn it and it will make you feel so much better about yourself once you stop being the people pleaser. People pleasing only invites other people to continue constantly overstepping your needs because when people pleasing you are unable to set healthy boundaries.

I guess like for everything you need to learn in life, the best is to start small. Someone wants to meet up with you and you don’t feel like it, then say no and don’t feel guilty about it. I entered the bizarre world of online dating a few months ago after things ended with my ex and through writing/meeting a few guys I realised that I still struggle and tend to be a people pleaser. There was one guy who had been getting on my nerves to meet up for a few weeks and then I finally agreed even though I was so annoyed already about him and his shady behaviour that I had absolutely no desire to ever meet up but then falling into old bad patterns I agreed. Even though he really pissed me off just through writing with him, he was super judgemental and apparently also not the sharpest pencil in the box. Well, when the day came we were supposed to meet up I said that I don’t want to, already the day before I wrote him that we are not on the same page, so I was very clear already and he ignored it.

Once I realised that I was only going to meet him because of people pleasing, I pulled out and said we are not going to meet up - his reaction was to get super judgemental and basically to insult me. Imagine that, a stranger insulting you just because he did not get what he wanted and expected from you. so I am glad that I realised that meeting-up with him from my side would have just been an act of people pleasing and that I pulled out of it. As annoying as online-dating is, but it can be a good exercise to set boundaries, to say no and to finally stop people pleasing. So, I’d say lesson learned here…