The Love Files No.10 // How much does a father figure figure?

I remember that many years ago there was a sex and the city episode where Carrie was asking the question ‘how much does a father figure figure'?’ in her column. The relationships with our parents form us and the one with the opposite gender has a profound effect on ourselves and on our relationships.

Now that I am all by myself again I am of course going through all the heartache and today when talking to my mom on WhatsApp and telling her what happened she realised that my past relationship and the man I was with for the past few years has a lot in common with my father. This is something I had never realised before but now after this break-up it became super obvious and evident.

According to Marianne Williamson relationships are there to teach us lessons, our partners are our teachers and I think I now learned my lesson.

I tried overcoming a still unprocessed father complex through being with a man who has so much in common with him. My ex can be the kindest and most caring person in the world but he has a very narcissistic side that turns in pure selfishness, as soon as he wants something (like S1 in 2017 and now S2) he gets emotionally brutal as fuck, not caring about other people and their emotions (me), being totally calculating and not thinking about the consequences that will happen.

My father can also be the most caring and kindest man on earth but he can equally be super brutal emotionally. Another thing they have in common is that they cannot deal with true love, when they get it they run away from it and go for persons who might not be as loving as the one they left for this new person. They are filled with self-hate and are not able to compromise, they don’t reflect on themselves and also they don’t work on themselves to become a happier and better person. After writing with my mom I was shocked about the parallels and could not believe how blind I was to this before. Also they are not able to commit, they are both emotionally unavailable men.

So I think it is safe to say that a father figure will shape you tremendously as a woman. I made a clear cut with my father because I have to protect my mental health and now I make a clear cut with my ex in order to protect myself. Also the man he is now, the guy being the egomaniac narcissist, is NOT the man I fell in love and I was in love with. This guy is currently not existent, it’s like a switch in his head was activated turning him into this narcissistic, self-centered, immature guy behaving like a 15 year old. There is no more forgiveness from my side after doing what he did twice. Now I see that he is not a good human, that is something that I could not see before but now his toxic character traits I experienced twice, it was the same story repeating itself, only with another woman. This is a pattern and it is pathologic. This is not normal and he has a big psychological defect and he is not doing anything to work on that and to solve his problems. Hello, also here I see my father again.

This whole father thing is super painful for me and it keeps showing up every few years again through my relationships and relationship pattern. I am honest here, with my ex S I was the happiest person ever in a relationship. I felt like I had arrived, I felt loved and understood. Things were just really good until he decided to run for the illusion that pretty much any other woman he barely knows must be better for him and make him happier. This is of course utter bullshit, you have to create happiness from within yourself and no other person can give it to you. Creating your happiness is your own job!

The past few days were a real nightmare for me. I barely slept, I barely ate, I just cried a whole lot over analysing this whole relationship while watching horror movies in my head about seeing them both together at his place doing all the things him and me used to share. Oh that just made me want to vomit! But now I feel much calmer, now that I understood what is going on and that I can now clearly see all his toxic character traits and now that i can say that he just ain’t a good person. Even if he normally is, but if he freaks out every two years pulling off exactly the same sick-twisted story letting other women enter our private space and being the super douche and egomaniac. No, then he is a bad person and not one I want to surround myself with, even if he is the best guy for the rest of the time. It is just a massive red flag and dealbreaker.

I deserve being treated with love, care and respect. So do you and anyone else in this world. The problem just is that people with huge emotional problems love playing games and that my friend is something to walk away from ASAP.