The Love Files No.12 // The Affair
Last night I woke up at 3 am after I had a very bizarre dream of an ex-lover of mine. I have not seen him in many years, but I guess because of all this whole breakup disaster, many things just come up from the past. So, I met J when I was still in school and growing up in a small city we saw each other quite often in the night life scene. Well, over the years we often had a thing going on. I remember from about 2010 until sometime in 2011 we often ‘talked’ on Facebook (yes, lazy messenger communication) and then we occasionally met up for a shag. What I did not know at that time was that J actually had a girlfriend, I guess I subconsciously knew, but I was in total denial until I met his cousin at a birthday party and she told me that he and his girlfriend moved into an amazing apartment. And there I had it confirmed what I had expected and was in utter shock.
I had feelings for this guy and I was always hoping that something more would develop while for him it was just super convenient to have a fallback girl for the occasional shag. He was feeding me crumbs and I went for it, not daring to say what I really wanted because I was afraid that he would be gone then. Now in retro perspective looking back I can only be shocked about how I put all my needs, desires and wishes back just because I was afraid of losing a guy who I actually never even had. He fed me all those crumbs with lazy communication, everything being based on his terms and conditions and the occasional shag that I at that time thought was something intimate while the truth is it was just what it was, a shag. Well at a certain point I confronted him with the fact that I knew about his girlfriend and that I did not want to be his mistress, affair, shag or however you wanna call it anymore. That confrontation was on Facebook and I think he did not even reply but I don’t exactly remember anymore. Also I just escaped all of this and headed to Argentina for about a month to visit my friend there and to get some distance to my not so great life at that time.
I remember that after that message, we did not see each other anymore. It was no contact what followed. Then I moved to Ireland, then I moved back to Germany where I stayed for one year and then I moved to Spain. We got back in touch in the end of 2014 whenever I moved back to Germany again but also in a very bizarre way, Facebook it was again. Ok, then this whole disaster took a new round, we started seeing each other again, it was just like an affair and now I am quite certain that he was with somebody else at that time as well, and I once again was just the fallback girl for some ego shooting and to spice up his sex life from time to time. This time it was going on for maybe 6 to 9 months, basically it stopped when I came together in Summer 2015 with the now ex.
What should I say, shady ‘relationships’ have been surrounding me for the majority of my life. Being the other woman was one of the worst for me, I don’t roll that way and I also would not want a guy to leave his girlfriend or wife for me, this goes totally against my morals - but to my defense I have to say that first I did not know about the girlfriend. Later on I was just pretty certain because of the way he communicated and interacted with me. Once i had it confirmed I just knew I had to get out of this. I felt very hurt and disrespected because I felt I was not worth it for him to tell me the truth which probably was the case, I was just not worth it for him and he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
Even when I thought at times I wanted a relationship with him, I now know that I was emotionally as unavailable as he probably was and I also thought that I had no interest to be with a cheater because I can be sure that if he cheats with me on his girlfriend then he will also cheat on me with somebody else. This fling was full of red flags. I just woke up this morning thinking that I would like to have him as a rebound now that my long term relationship ended because my ex left me for an illusion with a random stranger.
Love is not supposed to be painful but it gets painful when we pick the wrong partners or let the wrong partners pick us and then the whole story drives on drama and pain. For me it was like that with J and now a few years later I am pretty sure that he just did not give a fuck about me and my feelings as long as he got what he wanted which was a fallback girl for the occasional shag which is clearly not what I want to be for anyone anymore.